Day 3 – Traveling for work

I spend an average of 4 hrs every day traveling to and from my work place. So much precious time in transit.

I have tried many options to spend this time in a meaningful way. Somedays I listen to music, but it gets boring over a period of time. How many times can you listen to the same tracks. I read ebooks on my phone somedays. But this has adverse effects on my eyes and gives me nasty headaches. Audio books is a great option but I almost always drift off into a sleep listening to them. Somedays I just catch-up on some much needed sleep. 

On weekdays I am away from home for almost 13-14 hrs each day giving me so much less time for sleep and any other leisure activities. It’s seems like I survive only over the weekends.

I so look forward to advances in technology which will help humans travel faster and without wasting time. There’s so much to life than spending hours stuck in traffic. I wish teleportation soon becomes a reality so we could just transport ourselves to work in seconds. The world is already overwhelmed with so many humans and their modes of transportation. The next big step in technological advancement I feel is to get humans to travel faster cutting distance and time.

I hope I survive to see this day. M sure we’ll get there someday!

Day 2 – Decisions

How many decisions does an average person have to make on a normal day? Have you ever wondered about that. Right from the time you wake up till you go back to bed. Should I wake up now or can I sleep for an hour longer, should I wash my hairs today or probably do it tomorrow, should I have tea or coffee, what should I wear today, should I go out now in the sun or wait until it’s evening, should I read a book or clean out my closet , do I watch TV or netfilx.

How many of them can effectively change the course of your day. How do you come to your decisions eventually. Is it logic, instinct or just emotions.

These are probably just tiny decisions which won’t hurt one way or another. However what about those decisions which you know will change the course of your entire life. How do you approach them. What techniques does one use to come to the right decision. 

I have been taking most of my decisions based on my gut instinct. Have been throwing practicality and logic aside and taking decisions based an what my heart wants right at that moment. Come to think of it , even if you did use all the logic and common sense and come to a decision you can never predict whether it is going to be right for you in the long run.

Sure there are decisions which I regret making now at this point. But remembering that I did it to give my heart a rest at that time makes it all a little better. Atleast it was worth something.

Day 1 – Unwarranted Connections

Have you ever read a book and instantly linked the characters and situations in it to whatever is currently happening in your life. I am totally that person who reads something and immediately makes connections to how it’s so similar to what’s going on in my life right now. I listen to song lyrics and if it remotely fits any current situation I am bound to get all weepy listening to it. I sometimes wonder am I the only crazy one who does that! 

I have been reading two books lately by Rainbow Rowell , Attachments and Landline. Such warm, lighthearted, mushy reads both of them. Thoroughly enjoyed reading them and making unwarranted connections with my life. Crazy me!

P.S. : I am taking up a challenge to blog daily for the next 30 days today being Day 1. Hope I can keep it going!

Dental Nightmare!

Dental Nightamare

 

I was lying on the dentist’s chair with my mouth wide open, the dental surgeon was peering in with a tool that looked like a drilling machine. My eyes went wide, my body tensed. My hands were free but suddenly I could not bring myself to move them. The dentist’s assistant grabbed my jaw and held it in place. I looked at my dad who had accompanied me, standing in a corner of the room with a horrific expression on his face. I looked up at the focus light on top and shut my eyes tight preparing for the most harrowing 30 mins of my life. And at that moment I vowed to myself “Never ever again!!!”

For 30 mins the Dental surgeon tugged and pulled and drilled but my tooth refused to budge. If there was blood I didn’t see much of it. I had my eyes shut tight and only opened them few times to peer at what was coming next. The anaesthetic prevented me from feeling most of the pain but it could not save me from the tugging and pulling that I could feel. Bloody Hell!!  The way he tugged and pulled with those pliers. Man!!… I swear I could almost feel him taking my jaw off!!

Just when I thought this was going to last forever, my tooth came off…Finally!! I almost cried with relief. I was then cleaned up and sent on my way with many aftercare instructions which I was too dazed to listen. After a few hours, the anaesthetic wore off and the pain hit me. Terrible, unbearable, mind-numbing pain. Thank God for Science and Modern Medicine!! …..Pain killers came to my rescue!!!

After going through this dental nightmare and suffering three whole days with a huge swollen face and living off liquid food stuff, I feel completely eligible to preach about dental care to anyone and everyone around me. Please Please Please!! brush your teeth twice daily. No matter how tired you are or no matter how clean you think your teeth already are. Just brush them twice daily, lest you have to go through the above horror!!

You too reader!! Go ahead and get brushing if you haven’t already.

A Fresh New Start..

During my 4 years at Infosys as my professional career grew, my relationship with Digant also was growing slowly but steadily.

We fought a lot. There were many accusations. There was lots of insecurity, lack of trust, fear of loss and the fear of commitment. But as they say ‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder’ , very cheesy I know but distance I feel did play a part in getting us back together. The fact that we were not close by made us more open to be honest about how we felt. Our fights sometimes would go on for months but eventually always get sorted. The love was still there no matter how much hatred and distrust there was.

It took us 3 years of fighting and patching back up to get to a steady state. The accusations, insecurities, distrust slowly faded away giving way to mutual understanding and support for each other in times of emotional turmoil. We still have our fights and difference in opinions but always one of us has to be the wiser one and keep their head straight. It’s usually Digant who’s the wiser more understanding one. I’am always the one who shoots off like a champagne cork on the slightest of issues.

As my 4 years in Infosys ended, I was moving back to my hometown closer to Digant. We decided to take our commitment a step further by sharing our relationship with our parents. Digant and I belong to different castes. He is a Maharashtrian while I’am a South Indian Telugu. My parents initially created a huge fuss but then it all settled down and they have accepted Digant with welcoming arms. His parents too were concerned initially but Digant very coolly managed to convince them as well.

It was time now for us to meet each others parents individually!

road ahead

Our Road Ahead

Relationships are not always Rosy..

The beautiful Beginning was just about to turn bitter..

After a year of knowing each other our relationship was about to be torn apart. I had made a huge mistake. Digant could never forgive me. He refused to talk to me refused to see me. The thought of me repulsed him. I had never thought this man could ever hate me with so much passion. His hate and rejection opened a huge wound inside of me. I tried everything to save our relationship but to no avail.

Heart break

I was swallowed whole by depression. I made through the days somehow and cried myself to sleep every night. The absence of his immense love left a huge void which could not be filled ever again. I remember still the time when something triggered his memory and I could feel a weight pressing down on my chest unable to breath almost choking me. I desperately tried to keep busy to avoid thinking of him, avoid remembering him. But foolish as I was, I never lost hope to get it all back to normal again.

All this time, we still stayed in touch though, never cutoff completely but were not speaking as often as we had when all was good. Initial few months after the breakup were very tough for me. I never thought I could ever be normal and cheerful again. But I found immense support in my Mom and Maya. With them to catch me if I fell, I started getting back to my normal life. I made myself participate in college festivals, concentrated all my energy in college placements. Got placed into Infosys. That was a huge achievement for me. The placement enthusiasm kept me happy for a few days but it started to wane again and my depression began creeping in slowly.

I still had my final semester of college left. I tried putting all my energies for our final project and studies but was never 100% in it. Some part of me was still mourning his loss. After the semester was over I had a 6 months long gap before I was to join Infosys. I dreaded this period. I had to figure out ways to occupy all my time during these days. I started reading books non-stop throughout the day. Binge-watched Vampire Diaries and Game of Thrones and any other series I could lay my hands on. Played Plants vs Zombies late into the night. Spent time with Maya and my Mom. Around this time I also stumbled into the world of blogging. Found many like minded souls. Read many blogs and also blogged about my feelings and found support from the community of bloggers.

Somewhere during this time Digant started talking to me again, the conversations lasted longer than just the monosyllables which we were exchanging until now. One day out of nowhere he brought back all the earlier problems again. He hated me even now. My wound was cut deeper. I was hoping it would all have been settled by now for him. But apparently it had not yet. Suddenly I wanted to leave for Infosys as soon as possible. I started looking at it as my only way to escape this grief. I wanted to get away from this place that reminded me of him. I started counting my days to Infosys Mysore.

The Beginning…

love

I’ve always had few friends. Making friends was never easy for me. I have struggled in this area since my school days. I have just one true friend Maya. We were introduced by our parents when we were 5 yrs old and since then have been inseparable. Maya is the one who is exuberant and outgoing. She makes all the friends and I inherit them by association. Life has been chill with her around.

So one fine Christmas day Maya tells me a plan of celebrating Christmas with the kids from an orphanage close by our homes. She had few friends who would be joining us. This was when I was in college, 3rd year of my Engineering. I was excited, it sounded like a great idea to me. We went shopping for some gifts and snacks for the kids and planned out few games which we could get them to play with us. I knew most of Maya’s friends, they were in the same class with her in college. On our way back Maya tells me about a new friend who will be joining us along with her other friends. She says, “Arya he is so amazing. You know, he has assembled his own computer. He works on some projects online and is already earning for his family”. Apparently assembling a computer was very fascinating to Maya. I was curious about this guy.

We arrived at the orphanage. I met the new guy, his name was Digant. I instantly liked him. It sounds soo foolish right now as I am writing it here but thats how it was. I was instantly smitten by him. May be it was his drop dead gorgeous looks (at that time Digant was in his worst physical health as he had just recovered from jaundice), or the humble nature or maybe the carefree way in which he played with those kids. I don’t know what exactly got me attracted to him. But I was immediately interested and asked Maya for more details. Maya: “Hahaha….omg!! you really like him don’t you!!”.

We met few more times with the same set of friends for movies and bike rides and dinners. Soon our numbers were exchanged and I could finally talk to him alone without all the people. I am an average looking girl with dusky complexion and at that time was underweight and not very attractive to look at. From my perspective it was almost impossible for a guy like him to fall for me. I feared this would just end up one sided and me eventually forgetting all about him. But by some stroke of luck he seemed to be interested in me too.

And so it began…

 

The late night conversations….

Meeting along with friends….

Just us meeting secretly…

Movies….

Long bike rides….

I liked the songs that he liked, our tastes in movies matched. He loved photography (back then it was not a fad as it is now). He showed me some of his best clicks. He had very good taste in music. He was an extremely well cultured humble person. He would always be there to help anyone and everyone. He looked at me like I was an angel. He loved hearing my voice. And the way he cared and watched out for me would melt my heart away. I was the least talkative person in a group but he would make me laugh and get me talking. He understood my inhibitions and never turned away from me despite of my fears.

He was everything I ever wanted from a guy I loved. He was so much more. I was so overwhelmed with his love. And could not then and even now fathom what made him love me the way he does. I often questioned then and even now ‘Do i deserve him’?!!

Destiny, Fate, God….whatever it is that brought this human in my life, I will forever be grateful!

Making friends at a new Workplace

This post is a rant. Do not read if you are offended by rantings.

So today was one of the worst days out of the many bad days I’ve been having at my office lately. Its been 4 months now since I joined this new organization and i haven’t been able to make a single friend with whom I can hang out with.

Some background before I proceed ahead: 4 months ago when I joined I fell in with this group of strangers with whom i did not feel that i connected very well. Refer my earlier blog post ‘Hanging out with a group of Strangers’. Turned out they were to be the only good company i would ever dream of having here. One by one all of them dispersed to various location and those that remained got busy with their respective projects. I too got a project and had loads of work but, as luck would have it my team comprises of just me and this guy. Lets call him Mohan. Mohan is a tech geek and a developer and me …I am a Tester. Anything needed to be accomplished with a few lines of code gets Mohan excited, whereas it takes me a while to understand code.He is only so good as to solve work related queries. From among the group of strangers I have just this 1 guy with whom I have lunch which has become a boring affair as there’s not much to talk about, and another guy with whom I sometimes go out for breakfast. That’s all the people I talk to on an average day in my office. 4 months and that’s all. I am starting to get disappointed in myself for not being able to make friends. This feeling makes me sad everyday. And I come home unhappy EVERYDAY. What am I doing wrong.

 

Coming back to my rant…

I started my day today with a light breakfast and some coffee to keep me awake. I’ve been feeling very sleepy in office these days. I don’t usually drink coffee but I decided to get one today. The workload these days is pretty low. The most i have to work is for about 2 hours in a 9 hour work day.The rest of the time I am mostly on Quora or surfing for some article which will help with my coding skills.

The first mood changer was when the guy I always have lunch with declined his company today as he was to go for lunch with his team mates. I resigned myself to having lunch alone again. I sometimes enjoy eating alone but only when I am not anywhere around people I know. I donno what it is that makes me cringe at the thought of being alone maybe the social stigma that people who are alone are not very good company. So i plugged in my earphone went to a quiet spot called my boyfriend to have a chat and started eating my tiffin. Boyfriend asks why I am alone. I say I dint have company today and he’s like..”Why are you like this..why don’t you go and make some friends?!!”. I said I don’t want to force my company on others. I strongly feel friendship should be effortless and I hate making small talk just for the heck of it. He says he doesn’t like me being alone all the time. And I argue what’s wrong with doing things alone why do you always need to have mindless company just for the sake of it. That ticked me off.

The second Mood changer: I went back to my desk and saw a mail from my manager. He wanted to have one on one discussion with me. I’ve been meaning to have one with him myself but I’ve been avoiding it. This filled me with dread. Meetings with managers scare me. They almost always end with a note that I am not proactive I need to be more proactive. I hate being told that. It is a very difficult thing for me to do. I hate myself for this but that’s how it is for now….being proactive makes me feel stupid. i just cant get the hang of that act. I cant go asking around for work or BS’ing just to show that m a good performer.So we set up a meeting for tomorrow and I know my entire day or whatever remains of it is ruined coz i’ll worry myself to sleep over this meeting.

The third and the last to completely ruin the day: I go to work by the company bus. Most people in the bus know me now since I am the last person to get on the bus as mine is the last pickup point. So my friend, yes i have one friend in the bus who i know from college tells me that they were keeping a count of all the people who get in from various stops. so this one guy says….referring to me….”this one small kid who gets in from the last pick up point!!!!”. I am 26 yrs old. I am on the leaner side and my height is 5.2′. I look younger than other girls my age but by no means i look like a small kid..This was the last nail in my coffin.

So there you go!! Bad day…totally Bad Mood. Let this day end already!!!

My 4 Years at Infosys!

Fresh out of college, my professional journey began with Infosys.

Year 1:

The first year of my journey at Infosys can be broken down into two major halves – The beautiful Mysore Campus and the rough professional world at Pune DC (Development Center).

The Infosys Mysore Campus is one of its kind. Such comforts and luxuries were offered here that we dreamy eyed college pass-outs could never have thought of before. Add to it the grueling training, which is designed to carve out the best Software Engineers for the country. First two months in training and I started questioning myself if I had chosen the right career stream. All around me I saw my peers passing tests with flying colors while I struggled with my coding skills. I came from a background of Electronics and Telecommunications and my coding skills from college were very limited. I picked up eventually and then my life at Mysore campus actually began. New friends were made and what amazing days those were!! Trips to Mangalore and Waynad still remain highlights of my life. The late night walks, birthday celebrations, shopping in Mysore city, having lunch and dinners all together, sitting around chatting late into the night…just bliss!! Remembering those days sometimes brings tears to my eyes. Those memories will be cherished forever!!

I was transferred to Pune DC after my training at Mysore. Here my professional IT career truly began. Initial days in Pune DC were all about learning. I learnt how projects were handled, role hierarchies, who calls the shots, who you should report to and such. I was pretty much a nodder like I did exactly what I was told to do. Did not question much. If I had something to add to I almost always kept it to myself mostly because I thought there are people much more experienced than me and ofcourse they know things better.

Year 2:

This was the time I started to realize that doing just what you are expected to do is not enough. I realized this when during a performance review session one of my project leads had a feedback that I was not proactive. I did not understand what he meant at that time by being proactive. I thought, since I was doing everything that was thrown at me, there was nothing anybody needed to complain about. However, apparently being proactive was very important to differentiate you from the crowd, it meant doing things before you are told to do them.

Year 3:

This was an eye opener for me. During this time I realized that not everyone who is experienced knows how to do things well. This was the time I began to question everything, the tasks assigned to me, the feedback given to me, the decisions taken by the so called experienced individuals in the team. At this time I also became aware of a different set of IT professionals, the kind that only spent 9 hours in office just so they get their monthly salary and are least bothered about the projects health. During this time I also learnt how unjust the system of performance review was and how important it was to network with people. This was also the worst phase of my life in terms of my mental health. All caused by the high expectations I set for myself and not being able to acheive them.

Year 4:

During this time I got to know a few amazing women fighting it out in this Man’s world. I had a new found respect for women managers and leads in the IT industry. At this time I felt the burden of responsibility of my project. I began practicing pro-activity in true sense. Had the honor to work for a truly amazing manager who makes you want to give your all to the project and take responsibility for it. At this point I found this quote from somewhere really appropriate – “People don’t leave companies, they leave their managers”.

After my four year stint at Infosys I would like to Thank them for taking this piece of coal and beginning to start the process of transformation into a diamond. Its still not there yet, but the shine has just begun to show. I attribute all my experience of the IT profession to Infosys. It has taught me to survive in this rough world.

Hanging out with a group of strangers!

I have been an introvert all my life or I should say, since I’ve known the meaning of the word ‘introvert’!. When I meet new people I almost always get a sign whether or not I connect with them. Sometimes you feel they were just tailor-made to be your friends. Something just clicks right at the time of your first conversation with them and you look forward to know more and spend more time with them. But then there’s this other set of people who do not strike the chord. They might definitely be good people. But it just doesn’t click like it does with the first kind.

The number of people I am interacting with at a time also affects me. If it’s just one person, I have no problems talking and chatting away until I sense the click. Two people are still okay but as the number starts to grow, anything more than two, I stand out in the group as the quiet one. The more the people the more quieter I become. I then just listen and laugh at their funny anecdotes. Even when there is something I know better than anyone else in the group I choose not to speak up. The idea of there being a disagreement or me having to explain my opinion just seems too tiring to me and I happily sit quiet and listen.

This week I met a new set of people with whom I’ll be hanging out for quiet some time. It didn’t click the first time we met. They were good people and smart people but I found myself pretending to laugh at their jokes and often loosing focus at the ongoing conversation. As they were also more than two, I became quieter, offering very little to the conversations. I laughed and nodded and made all the appropriate noises and then my thoughts wandered. I would return back and again smile and nod and so on and on it went until the day was over. In another two days of hanging out with them they noticed that I am quieter than the rest. Then comes the part where I get asked questions specifically so I answer and get involved. But then again I go quiet. They try again several times and then give up. And then I am left alone still part of the group but without any expectations.

This is so frustrating! People then start perceiving me as someone who is either too dumb to be with them or too smart to be involved in a conversation with them. Its only when they have a more personal conversation with me in the safe numbers of one or two is when they actually know me.

I am yet to understand what it is that keeps me from speaking up in groups bigger than two people. It’s not that I am afraid to voice my opinions, I do so without any reluctance with close friends and less number of people and also get into long arguments to make my points clear.

Is it the fear of being rejected by a larger group or the fact that it is discomforting to talk so much among strangers or is it just my laziness to try and get my point across to a lot of people?

Still figuring it out!